i wished for...her.

its so funny.
last weekend i went to st. louis to go to this club.
and the whooooole time...from the 2 hour ride there....to the amazing views of the skyline downtown...
i wish she could have shared it with me...
i wish she could have been sittin in the passengers seat and seen the exact same view i seen of the arch and all the tall buildings downtown.
i wanted her to be the one to help me pick out my energy drink wen we stopped at that BP on the way..

i pictured her sitting with me in the club laughin at all the drunk people TRYING to dance.
=]

sometimes i sit back and wonder "what if"...which is never healthy by the way...*random thought*

back to the basics..disappointment...betrayal...my current moods/feelings/blah...whatever the fuck part of speech them words are...i thought i had past that stage of "searching for your true friends"....then someone laughed in my face and told me that you never quite pass that stage of life...

bullshit.

my dad went to FL, AL, and aint no tellin where else this summer...and i found out about it 2 days ago..no big deal right? i guess....im still tryin to figure out why the shit he does still baffles me and pisses me off...and then he said..."this summer was one of the best summers i have ever had"...yeaaa...the one u dnt spend with your daughter...but ur girlfriend...whome i have only met twice...you would think after about 4 years of disappoint i would be used to that shit...then i was told that the fucked up shit a parent does is somethin you never really get used to...*shrugs*...idk..

moving on...

my mom...

thats i whoooooole new topic all together...

we never could get along.

and the fact that im gay dnt help the situation none.

o well...

her loss

=[

To [her].

she will probably never know exactly how i feel about her.
but everything inside me is burning to come out and just....tell her.
its almost lik her existence in my life was somehow planned out and put into action the way it was supposed to cuz...no matter how long we go without speakin...or jokin about pointless things..i kno shes not goin anywhere.
she taught me that its ok to be myself...
and that it is possible to find a "soul mate"....even if not the romantic way.
she will forever be chained to my ♥...
because she loves me for me and could care less about my past...
she taught me that there are people in this world that care more about looks.
her presence give me butterflies and jus the sound of her voice makes me [cheese] form ear to ear...my asian persuasion lolz....

my bestie.

hypocracy...why?

ok so its homecoming...i went to the game...let some folks get the best of me...and then came home so i kno not to get in anymore trouble smh....im sittin in the livin room with my parents watching my parents get drunk and talk about ppl...that they go to church with...how wrong is that....lik seriously!?!? ugh...n she wonders y i dnt never wanna hang out wit her ass...yea dammit i talk about folks that get on my nerves but not right after i get home from church or choir practice....wtf?!?!?! smh....
blah...blah...blah...
im goin blank...
my mind is slowly flowing out of my ears and down into my heart and givin me heart burn...
my headache is gone but my chest is beginngin to cave in and the pain is....unbareable...
i miss my peace...

my eyes are falling heavy...
i believe it is time for sleep...
my mind wandering and not givin my body time to rest...

they never work with each other...my mind and my heart have always disagreed...ever since my early days....and i dnt think they have plans to reconcile their differences anytime soon...

blah...blah...blah...i miss my peace...but i can see it coming rite now....its slowly making my eyese heavier and heavier and time for...peace.

blah-ness....

....flustered...some pretty strange things have been goin thru my head lately....all i do is daydream in class...sleep when i get home...then get up and go to work...real productive rite?? lolz...not! so im gonna do somethin..kinda productive...[song playing= love by musiq soulchild]...i remember the first time my dad told me that him and my mom were gettin a divorce...he had left for a little while and then came back and sat me on his lap outside on our porch and told me that he was gonna be leaving for awhile...i didnt really get it...but..yeaaa...i think i was lik 8...i miss my dad...i have a "sperm donor" now...he calls when he wants...didnt show up for my bday...didnt tell me about our family reunion...nothin...he wants a friend...i dnt wanna friend...i need [well..past that...more like want] a father...o well...moving on...[song playing= signs of lovemaking by tyrese]...my sister and i used to climb out the window of her bed room and sit on the roof at lik 2 in the morning and smoke...during the summer of 2006...that was the summer that everything changed...that was when i realized that i really didnt need to start growing up...it didnt actually kick in until some things went down but overall that was the best summer of my life...i got my whole "trouble maker" shit out of my system (even tho needless to say i have never been a trouble maker)...i remember like the back of my hand all the other songs that were on the cd that i burned "signs of love making" on...[song playing= lets stay home tonite by joe]...wooooooow...memories...thats really i have to say about that...its amazing how soo many things can change and u never really notice it until its months or years down the road....el fin.

on my only day off....

and i still have to go into that place i call WORK....

humph...

*2 fingers*